Bringing Up Bebe

Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman examines the way the French bring up their children. It's a way that's starkly different than the way many Americans do.  This enlightening book made me think about time for myself, breast feeding, scheduling activities for my kids, sex, and the power of simply saying "NO."   Don't have time to read the book?  Here are my Cliff Notes.



When you take your kids to the playground, do you sit on the bench, read a book or quietly observe your child?  Or do you jump right into the playground, showing your child - "Hey look, here's the slide! Cool, here's the swing.  Molly! Look at the swing!"  

Most French parents sit back and let their children explore by themselves.  It's a process of self discovery, autonomy and also a balance of adulthood for the parent.  They're involved in the child's activity but they aren't narrating their experience.    They're also entitled to read an adult book - an activity for themselves.

French parents are not at constant service to their children.  They have adult lives especially after bedtime with their husbands and friends.  They have dinner parties where children play (with no mention of TV or a movie) while they have conversations uninterrupted.   At dinner parties with adults and family children are not on-stage performing their "tricks" nor are they the subject of all conversation.   They aren't the "enfant roi"  or child king.  Politics, religion, current events, pop culture and adult topics are covered, their children are not the only subjects discussed.  

They aren't ignored either, don't mistake that.  The days of children being "seen and not heard" are gone in France, mostly changed by Dolto in the 1960's.  French believe a child can understand a feel things from a very early age.  They believe that even infants are rational human beings that you can talk to like adult human beings.  It's this respect for their being that French parents observe, and the reason why many French children are very well behaved.

French children eat sauteed leaks, fish soup, a variety of fruits and vegetables and lots of cheeses.  There aren't "kids" menus in France.  Children don't live off a diet of chicken nuggets, PPJ and mac & cheese because parents see it as their job to educate children from an early age on a variety of foods.    Many French children are required to eat a bite of everything on their plate before leaving the table.   Mom's don't make a second meal because kid doesn't like it.

French children do not snack all day.  They have ONE snack (gouter) at 4:30 pm daily, many times it is something sweet like cake or chocolate. Because they have just one snack a day, they are truly hungry at meals and because they have snacks that indulge in chocolate, they aren't such a coveted treat and kids aren't gorging later.

French couples don't have "date night."  In fact, the author says that French mother's find this American trend very sad and perplexing.   Every night should be "date night" with your husband and calling it "date night" just sounds like you are scheduling romance.   Many French parents go "en vacances" with their husband once or twice a year, leaving their children with grandparents or camp (as young as 6)  for a week or two weeks.  

French women are supposed to be sexy.  As a general stereotype, women don't gain much weight during pregnancy, French magazines have articles teaching women to resist cravings.  As a result of not gaining much weight, they typically regain their figure after 3 months.  There's no living in sweat pants and maternity clothes 9 or 12 months later.   Insurance actually pays for -- get this -- vaginal rejuvenation.   Need I explain more?  Insurance pays medical professionals to make the vagina tighter.  Doctors ask such questions - "is your husband happy?"

French mother's go back to work at 3 months and very few are devoted housewives and stay home moms. Their children go to "creches" -or government run and subsided day cares that have absolutely no stigma like day cares do in the United States.  Jobs at creches are highly sought after and are won by very accomplished educators and they're highly trained.  People fight to get their kids into a local creche.   The 4 course menu for babies at lunch rivals gourmet restaurants - part of why children are also so educated about food at an early age.

French mother's breast feed a lot less than American parents. The length of time that they breast feed is not a measure of performance unlike it often is in the United States where mother's ask - "how long did you make it?"  French doctors suggest switching to formula with a blocked dock or cracked nipple.  You don't get brownie points for sticking it out and many French mother's just find it inconvenient and requiring such effort, they don't do it at all.   Only 63 percent of French mother's breast feed, half breast feed by leaving the hospital, and most abandon after 3 months.   Yet, French children thrive and on a Unicef scale measuring infant mortality rates, immunization and health. the French outperform Americans.

Feeding times are called meals - not feeds- and most babies after 4 months are eating just 4 times a day.  A breakfast, lunch, 4 pm gouter (snack) and dinner.   French mothers do not generally feed between the hours of 12-5 am even early on.

French parents don't seem to discipline their children much - they rarely spank or use timeout. Their "discipline" is "educating" their children at all times.  They do delay gratification, don't give into their children immediately and aren't afraid to just say no.  

Speaking of delayed gratification, this may be why many French children sleep through the night at 3 months old.  It's something the author coined as The Pause.   Early on, many French mother's wait to respond to their baby's cry in the middle of the night.  Early on (before 4 months), they wait up to 5 minutes to see if they child is truly awake or just going through part of their sleep cycle.  As a result, many babies learn to put themselves back to sleep.   Most French babies are sleeping through the night at 3 months old. It's rare to see a baby not sleep through the night at 6 months, and even more rare at 1 year.   French mother's observe their babies natural rhythms, letting them sleep when they're tired and keeping them in the light during the day for naps and in dark at night.

Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget came to the US in the 1960's and shared his theories on child development. After each talk, someone in the audience typically asked - how do we speed this up?  He called it "The American Question."   He didn't think pushing kids to acquire skills ahead of schedule was possible or desirable.

The author writes: "Americans assign ourselves the job of pushing, stimulating and carrying ourselves from one developmental stage to the next.   The better at parenting, we think, the faster our kids develop.  French parents aren't so anxious to get them in swim classes, get them reading, or do math ahead of schedule.  They do sign their kids up for tennis, fencing, and English lessons but they don't parade these activities as proof of what good parents they are.  Nor are they guarded when talking about the classes, like they're some secret.  In France, the point of enrolling a child in Saturday morning-music class isn't to activate some neural network, it's to have fun."  They're not sitting at the park doing flash cards with their baby.  They're letting their baby be a baby.

At three years old, they're not shuttling their kids (a maman taxi) to ballet, gymnastics, music, tennis and soccer.  That would be out of balance for the mom and not good for the child's natural development.

French children are provided a framework (cadre) to live in where parents are strict and firm but within their limits are very free.  Once their in a safe environment and structured, they are very free to do what they want and discover themselves.  It's a process called "awakening."

The author glorified French parenting in my opinion and I am sure there are many exceptions to the rule.  Certainly there must be an overweight French woman sitting in her maternity clothes 10 months later, scheduling their baby in the latest music class while secretly coveting the instructors phone number, doing flash cards, not showering and not having sex with her husband.   But many of the ideas even if exaggerated or over generalized, are interesting and ones I could adapt.  Mostly all but the breastfeeding one.  And that rejuevenation! 

Cinderella Ate My Daughter

Cinderella ate my daughter by Peggy Orenstein is a book that every mother raising a daughter should read. Today's culture of "princesses" and emphasis on girls getting older younger, looking beautiful, and how that message is disseminated and received by toddlers as young is mind blowing.    Through mainstream media, girls are put on a trajectory of things pink and sparkly, moving to diva, then overtly sexualized.   The path is dangerous and parents do not have to succumb.  Here's my book report, the Cliff Notes if you will --to share the key points readers. 

So what's wrong with Cinderella? 


Let's start out with Disney heroines as role models. Princesses avoid female bonding and their goals are to be saved by a prince, married, and taken care of for the rest of their lives.  Recall Ariel, the little mermaid actually willing to trade her beautiful voice for a man! Their values derive from their appearance.  With characters like these, we may actually be cultivating a legion of step sisters: spoiled, self-centered materialsts, superficially charming, but without depth or means of transformation.

Turns out "Disney Princesses" as a concept didn't exist until 2000 when a former Nike executive Andy Mooney saw an unfulfilled market for them to be branded together in a consumer products division.  Think princess make-up, shoes, dress up clothes, over 26,000 products. Before Mooney, all of that merchandising didn't exist.  Just 9 years later, sales soared to 4 BILLION dollars.  It is the largest franchise on the planet for girls ages TWO to SIX.

What's up with everything PINK? 

In short, because pink sells.  Girls attraction to pink may seem encoded in their DNA, that girls are just born loving it, but the truth is that hundreds of thousands of products  - toys, clothes, books are available and more importantly, marketed to them in pink.   Even Sesame Street, a show that stomped out stereotypes and celebrated diversity for years sold out here with the launch in 2006 of Abby Cadabby, a pink three-year old "fairy in training." 

When children are tiny, no matter how we dress them or decorate their room, they do not know pink from blue.  Generally, they play with the same toys.  Girls and boys start labeling around age 2-3 and until age 5 don't really understand that your gender is fixed based on anatomy.  They think gender is based on color choices, hair style, toy preferences and favorite colors.  (A three year old thinks Sally is a girl because she wears a pink headband. She doesn't think Sally is a girl because Sally has a vagina.)

The lure of Disney Princesses and grasping PINK, pink and more pink then at age 2-5 makes total sense if above is the case.  Developmentally speaking, that's the same age when girls need to prove they are girls, when they latch onto the most exaggerated image of femininity.  Age four is also when their brains are the most malleable and most open to long term influence on the abilities and roles that go with their sex.    Therefore the age when Princesses are being marketed to two - six years are precisely the time when they are learning about their gender identity and roles, and when they are the most susceptible to influence. And why they grasp pink as a symbol of their femininity.

Also discussed in this chapter is the concept of kids getting older younger. In marketing, it's actually known as KGOY.  Bonnie Bell Lip Smackers originally were intended for age 12.  Now half of six-to-nine year olds wear lip gloss or lipstick regularly.   Lip Smackers now targets their audience at age 4.  FOUR!  For lipstick!

Sparkle, Sweetie! 

In this chapter, Orenstein examines the culture of beauty pageants - specifically the hit TLC show Toddlers and Tiaras or even less excessive and real life situations in which 5 year old girls get spray tans, diet, dress in thousand dollar gowns and perform a "talent" to a mostly male judging panel.  They strut their stuff on stage to be judged.

The show claims to be an expose and then the viewers that watch them indulge in "guilty free" voyeurism. They're the better parents because those moms are the monsters!   Mother's of daughters in pageants claim that they build a child's confidence, give her a poise that will one day be useful in getting a job but what Orenstein thinks is really just a denial of injury (the idea that children are not harmed by the experience, but they actually benefit) or is just denial of responsibility (the idea that the child begged to be in it and they had no choice but to comply.)   Perhaps worse is that we, the viewer, stop questioning the way our children are objectified in real life because we see situations on TV that are far worse.   We are desensitized to the sexualization and objectification.

Disney's Intentions for Our Daughters

Many of us played princess and dress up when we were young and that's part of the appeal of the movies and the merchandise.  Mother's assume because they watched them too, they can't be bad - they're safe, they're innocent.  But what's a contradiction in today's world is that they're being introduced to a consumer culture that will ultimately encourage the opposite.  And because when we were playing princess or watching Sleeping Beauty, the context in which they were marketed was much different.

Disney's intentions for our daughters - the promise begun in the princess years, that if parents stuck with the brand - letting girls progress naturally from Cinderella to the Disney Channel divas with their TV shows, movie spin-offs, and music downloads - our daughters could actually enjoy pop culture without becoming pop tarts.  Safe. Innocent. Protective.  FALSE.   Miley, Lindsay, Hilary, even Britney.  They're all part of the Disney machine.   They serve up their sexuality for mass consumption, and we the public - mostly our daughters - just buy into it.

Shielding ones daughter from all of the sexually charged toys, clothing, music and images is not easy. From Ty Girlz dolls, Bratz dolls, Moxie Girls, Barbie dolls, to the most recent Disney channel "It" girl - its pervasiveness is hard to escape.   8 year-olds are wearing low-slung shirts that read: BAD GIRL and short shorts, with lip gloss.   Innocent and loved Miley Cirus was the loved Hannah Montanah.  In 2006, she posed coyly and sexually for Vanity Fair - farewell to the innocent Hannah Montanah!   Also enter Jamie Lynn Spears.  Disney Channel "Safe It Girl" one day - knocked up at 16 the next.  It's a trend Ornstein calls: "wholesome to whoresome."

Sex and your daughter 

Orenstein makes a claim that "early sexualization can derail a girls healthy development then estrange them from their own erotic feelings."  Perhaps the most thought provoking part of the book for me was when Orenstein writes:  "my fear for my daughter is not that she will someday act in a sexual way; it is that she will learn to act sexually against her own self-interest."  In other words: I know she will have sex, but when she does, I hope she does it for the right reasons (including that it's pleasurable for her - not just to gratify a man.)

Why it's so dangerous. 


There's ample evidence that suggests the more mainstream media girls consume, the more importance they place on being pretty and being sexy.  Increasingly in today's culture women have to be smart, a good athlete, compassionate, friendly, caring, assertive, get into a good college, become a wife, working professional, mother and doting wife, pretty, sexy and cool.  It's a tall order.

The media machine that tells girls how you look is more important than how you feel, or even worse that how you look is how you feel as well as who you are.  Our children aren't growing up any faster because of the world, it's because we are allowing the images and the mass media allow them to be reached and we are accepting it.  The marketing notion of KGOY is a full-filling prophecy.

Scary statistics - 81 percent of ten year old girls are already dieting.  Kindergartners know that "fat" is shameful.  But how? When was the last time you saw a chubby Disney Princess?

How a girl feels about her appearance has a major impact on her self-esteem - whether she is pretty enough, thin enough, or hot enough.  If Princesses, Moxies, and Miley are not responsible, they certainly reinforce it.  12,000 Botox injections in 2009 for children ages 13-19, 43,000 children under 18 altered their appearance through cosmetic surgery.

Just between you, me, and my 622+ BFF's.  

80% of KINDERGARTNERS are online. 80%.  As those K-students get older, the internet has become a place to game, chat, experiment with identity, develop friendships, and flirt.   Nowadays on social networking, their thoughts, photos, tastes, and activities are put out as statuses and subjected to immediate and lasting judgement by those they've accepted, which turns out teens aren't that discriminatory.  As they get older on social communities, notice that the "self" has become a "brand"- something to be marketed towards others rather than developed from within.  The friends become your consumers, an audience for whom you perform. Girls specifically then have to cultivate a persona of "beautiful, sexy yet innocent" and not come off like a "slut."


What should we do? 

Teach your daughter to remember that identity is not for sale.  Your identity comes from the inside. Orenstein also suggests:

• Stress what your daughters body can DO over how it is decorated. 

• Praise her for her accomplishments over her looks.  

• Make sure Dad is on board - a father's loving regard and interest in a girl, as the first man in her life, is crucial.  

• Involve her in team sports: research shows that participation lowers teen pregnancy rates, raises self-esteem, and improves grades. 

The choices that we make for our toddlers will inevitably shape who they are as teens, and as adults.  If we are aware of the messages they are receiving, we can help shape how they interpret them and help them see themselves through the inside out rather than the outside in.

We can and should give our daughters choices beyond Disney Princesses, Barbies, Moxie Dolls, Bratz Dolls, and the numerous other dolls being shoved down our throats aisle after aisle, ad after ad, commercial after commercial.  Those choices should appeal to our daughter's desire to be girls at the time that they are most malleable.  They're choices that should appeal to parent's values, world view and dreams for them.  We  should remember that there are other colors on the spectrum - not just pink - when choosing merchandise for our girls.

Tips for Pumping

Having dealt with so many myself, I have an odd facination for solving issues associated with breast feeding.  My now 4 month old son practically destroyed me during the first 8 weeks of his life.  I had to suspend nursing for 3 weeks and bottle feed expressed breast milk.   For three weeks I pumped 8 or 9 times a day.   Because of this and the people who know this,  I frequently get asked tips for pumping.   So here are my tips based on my experience to share! 

For increasing milk supply/ maximizing the amount of milk you get from a pump: 

1. Change the size of your flanges on your pump.   The Medela Pump in Style (most popular model) comes with 24mm. breast sheild flanges.   Chances are you require a larger size.   If you're rubbing against the sides of the tube, you need a bigger size.   Target sells 27mm.  Turns out I am a 36mm, which can be purchased at Memorial Health in Savannah or online here.  
2. Power pump.   Choose an hour long TV show and sit down free of distractions (if possible!)  Pump for 10 minutes.  Rest for 10 minutes.   Pump for 10 minutes.  Rest for 10 minutes.  Do this for 60 minutes.   The goal is NOT milk, the goal is to trick your body into believing you need more milk.   Do this once a day for three or four days.  Continue to pump even if you aren't getting any milk. It's the stimulation you're looking for.  
3. I sat on the floor, a bit hunched over, with my back against the couch.   This may sound strange but my back was supported and I let gravity do the work with the pumping.  When sitting on a couch leaned back or on the bed, I got less milk.  
4. As I have read and experienced, your body generally has two or three let downs.   At first you may get a lot of milk, then it stops.  Don't let that stop your pumping.  You may get another let down, maybe even a third.  Pump for 15-20 minutes.  Don't pump longer than 30 - that's just uncomfortable!
5. When the flow slows or stops, do breast compressions by squeezing from top and down.  
6. Relax.  Don't pump after paying bills, while in a fight with your husband, or thinking about something stressful... If you can be next to baby while pumping, that helps.   If you aren't with baby, think about baby, see a picture or even (sounds creepy) smell something of the baby. 
7. I had a lot of success with More Milk Plus by MotherLove.  Many take the herbal supplement called Fenugreek three times a day at meals.   When taken together, your milk should greatly increase your supply. (I nearly doubled my supply after More Milk Plus.)  I was also recommended Go Lacta by a lactation consultant at Savannah Memorial but never took this.  
8. Eat watermellon between pumping.
9. Eat oatmeal frequently. 

Making pumping simpler: 

1. If you are on a feed, wake, sleep schedule like in Baby Wise,  pump while baby is sleeping, then you can have fresh, temperature ready milk when baby wakes up to eat.   No heating of bottles then.  
2. If you have a large supply and you can pump directly into the bottle that you will be feeding, Motzel tov!  Then you don't need to wash the collection bottles, too.  
3. Through your pumping supplies in the fridge after your pump every other time - so you don't spend half your day washing and sanitizing.  Some lactation consultants I talked to, one in particular at the Hilton Head Hospital, said its okay to leave your supplies out for up to 8 hours all set up.   I've read different things about this.   I personally don't leave milk out longer than 4 hours. 

For your sanity: 

1. If you're goal is the feed exclusive breast milk but you are lacking supply, add 1 or 2 oz. of formula (or whatever you're deficit is) to the breast milk for 2 bottles to "get ahead."  Often times I found I was stressed about getting a full feeding if there wasn't a full feeding in the fridge, but if I had two or three feedings ahead, I would actually get the full feeding.   If you're able to get ahead a few feedings, you may feel less stressed out.   I was able to quit supplementing after a few days of this. 
2. Have your husband or helper feed the baby at night, so you can pump at the same time the baby is eating.  Feeding, then pumping, and then cleaning can be a long process, if you have someone to reduce the amount of time spent - take it.  You can feed the baby the bottle during the day hopefully. 

Can you love two kids equally?

As an only child and with my second child on the way, I had to ask the question – will I really be able to love another baby as much as I love my first born daughter, Molly? Everyone tells me the question is silly and that of course, I will! But I’ve done my research and favoritism amongst siblings is real and exists in parenting. And there’s science to back it up.

According to a professor of human and community development at the University of California at Davis in a study done with 384 siblings and their parents, 65% of mothers and 70% of fathers have a preference for one child. And that’s usually the older one. During the course of the study, researchers visited the families three times a year for three years and observed their relationships, videotaped them as they worked through conflicts, and interviewed them extensively.

Karl Pillemer is a professor and director at The Cornell University Institute for Translational Research on Aging (CITRA) and is currently conducting a seven year study with 550 mothers over the age of 65 and their adult children. His ongoing analysis focuses on parental favoritism, differential helping to and by offspring. "I'm doing interviews with hundreds of people,” said Pillemer. “And one of the most emotional things for them after 70 or 80 years is memories of parental favoritism.”

How could this be? There are a few reasons why psychologists, sociologists and other experts believe that sibling favoritism exists.

1. Survival of the fittest.    We are genetically driven to want our offspring to succeed and carry on our seed. Therefore the strongest, fittest, and smartest of the offspring is often “favored” more because it will more likely succeed in carrying on the parent’s legacy
2. Best looking.  Though parents will not openly one child is better looking than another, long standing bodies of work point to humans’ deeply wired bias for beauty. Beauty is often defined by facial symmetry, clear complexion, and larger eyes. Sibling expert Catherine Salmon of the University of Redlands in California calls it “the general heuristic that things are attractive and healthy and good and smart.
3. Your gender matters.   There seems to be a pattern with cross-gendering. A Dad is helpless in the face of his daughter’s charms, a mother admires her prince of a son. Parents seem to value the trait in the opposite gender that is paradoxically associated with their own sex. For example, the athletic father admires and favorites his soccer playing daughter.
4. Birth order.

a. Why first borns are the favorite: First born children are often the favorite simply because parents have made more effort in developing that child. It’s a principal in business called sunk costs – the more effort you’ve made into developing a product, the more committed you are to seeing it come to fruition. By the time the second child comes around, you’ve already committed 10 months to many years with your first born. You build up equity in your first borns that cannot be matched with subsequent children.

b. Why last borns are the favorite: There’s a theory that exists that the last born children are protected more so than other children, particularly by their mothers. In some instances, they are over protective perhaps because they weren’t planned for or the father (or mother) didn’t “want” them. Last born children develop defensive skills – the ability to “disarm and charm.” It’s what sibling psychologists call the low-power strategy.

c.  Three kid families, the only gender: This can be the case in families that have three children that the outnumbered gender is the favorite. For instance in families with two girls and one boy, the boy becomes the favorite simply because he is different. That child gets extra attention and investment.

Least Favored Status

Psychologist Victoria Bedford of the University of Indianapolis has studied favoritism extensively. For years, she’s been looking at the impact on children’s self-esteem, their community involvement and their relationships with family and friends. The impact studied is known as the LFS – or Least Favored Status. A research professor in developmental psychology at the University of Denver studied 136 sibling pairs two times a year for two year intervals. Findings of both researchers are that the LFS child is more likely to develop anxiety, low self-esteem and depression. Behavior problems ensue as well, which becomes a downward spiral because parents tend to crack down on them, further diminishing their position on the totem pole. It’s real and it’s hurtful.

Fluid Favoritism

There’s a wide audience of people – experts and parents alike - that will tell you that there’s no such thing as a long term favorite but it’s more like fluid favoritism. The favorite child changes hourly or daily, monthly or yearly. Adults based on their own mood swings, interests and hobbies will find connections to one child and one time and another child at another time. Some adults prefer different stages of children’s adolescence – the mother who prefers the baby and toddler phase because she feels needed and important, or the father that prefers the kindergarten years because he can play easier and relate more to his child. In this case of fluid favoritism, each child gets a turn at being the favorite as they pass through the stage preferred by their parents. But it’s still favoritism.

What can be done?

• Be aware of your preference but never admit it to anyone.
• Make equal time for both (or all children) individually. Plan special outings and events with each separately whenever possible
• Careful not to make observations that favor the “favorite” child in comparison to least favorite. “Molly always does her homework on time, why can’t you?”
• Make a concerted effort to think of positive characteristics that your least favorite child possesses and compliment him or her for those attributes

In all of my research, not one article suggested that it’s not possible to love more than one child. I have no doubt that I will love a second child very much. In fact, of course I already do love this 2 lb. meatloaf in my belly! Perhaps now with more understanding of favoritism, I will be better equipped to make sure that 2.0 doesn’t get the shaft and no one in my family is least favored status. If you have multiple children and disagree or agree with any of this research, I hope to hear your thoughts.

Sources:

1. Time Magazine: The Science of Favoritism: http://www.time.com/time/covers/0,16641,20111003,00.html

2. NY Times: http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/09/26/do-all-parents-love-on-child-more/

3. NY Times: When parents parent differently - http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/12/06/when-siblings-parent-differently/

4. Cornell University: http://www.human.cornell.edu/bio.cfm?netid=kap6

5. http://www.momlogic.com/2011/03/can_you_really_love_your_kids_equally.php

6. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-favorite-child/201001/do-parents-have-favorite-children

7. http://www.alittlekingandiblog.com/2012/02/finding-balance-with-two-kids.html

8. Preparing #1 for #2: http://www.parents.com/blogs/red-hot-parenting/2011/10/11/health/preparing-child-1-for-child-2-great-advice-from-an-expert/

9. http://www.parents.com/blogs/red-hot-parenting/2011/09/26/parenting/do-you-play-favorites-with-your-kids/

10. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/09/21/parents-with-favorite-child_n_972523.html

Bedtime Battles

Toddlers between theages of 2 and 3 years old need approximately 11 hours of nighttime sleep andone hour of daytime sleep. Naps beginto disappear after the third birthday. Accordingto Dr. Marc Weissbluth, M.D. in his bookHealthy Sleep Patterns, Happy Child, when children and adults aren’t getting the sleep they need, the effect of lost sleep accumulates overtime. Consequences of cumulative sleepiness include headaches, gastrointestinal issues, forgetfulness, reduced concentration, fatigue and emotional ups and downs. In addition, stress, more pronounced mood swings and uncharacteristic personalitychanges.

Of course, all parents understand that. Most parents donot keep their children up just for fun or wake them up early for the heck ofit. The lack of sleep is due to common sleep problems. Toddlers that don’t fall asleep, stay asleep, wake up often, or wake up early.

Our story: For us and our 2.5 year old daughter, our issue is falling asleep. I call it the Bedtime (or Naptime) Battles. She alternates between seeming tired and wired. She rubs her eyes, yawns, and seems exhausted. Then at the flip of the dime, she seems wide awake, even hyper – talking a mile a minute, talking toinvisible elephants, and painting imaginary pictures on the wall. We put her to bed at 7.00 or 7.30, and she’s out of bed 6-8 times with various requests, needs, and is defiant about returning to her bed. Lately, we are lucky if we get her down by 9.00 pm. We’ve seen 10.30 and 11 pm with her.

Here’s what the experts say:

1) Have a discussion during the day about the importance of sleep. Toddlers are very curious and are like sponges with information. “Sleep is so important! You need lots of sleep so you can grow big and have lots of energy to play during the day!”

2) Establish a consistent bedtime routine such as dinner, bedtime, bath time, potty & teeth brushing, then books. Usea digital clock and say – “Oh look, it’s seven o’clock! [say the numbers seven,zero, zero]. It’s time for bed.” Then lights out. This should be at a consistent time (between6.30 – 8:00 pm) every night.

3) Anticipate all the requests early. Give her a little bit of water, a small snack, make sure she goes to the bathroom, pull-up is dry, you’ve kissed the dogs goodnight, and you’ve anticipated all the stall tactics. Your toddler is going to test the limits ofnew-found independence. To feel empowered, let your child make choices when possible. Which PJ’s she wants to wear, which tooth brush to use, etc.

4) Create sleep rules. Make this an elaborate poster with colors and stickers, even have her help create it, and put on the wall in thebedroom. Recite them and make them funfor your child. At bedtime we….

· Stay in bed

· Close our eyes

· Stay very quiet

· Go to sleep

When they violate the sleep rule, say: “Molly, rememberthe sleep rules.” Rewards and privileges are very important to this plan. Rewardyour child with a treat – a sticker, a wholesome snack that’s special, an extrabook in the morning before school – if they follow the sleep rules. Choose passive activities like watching TV, playing with the computer, or playing withdolls or trucks to be a privilege that can be revoked if they don’t follow the sleep rules. So after you recite the sleep rules, you say: “Molly, remember to follow the sleep rules and when you wake up you can have the privilege (or treat) of watching TV.” If she follows, say: “Thank-you forfollowing the sleep rules. Now here’s your treat.”

5) Use the Silent Return to Sleep Strategy, which means no talking when they get out of bed. When they get out of bed, say – “It’s time forbed.” Put her back in bed, and immediately walk out. Do not make eye contact, don’t engage in conversation. Make sure you are boring but respectful and positive.

6) Be calm and firm. The angrier youget, the more of a reaction you are giving her, and you are reinforcing thebehavior.

Wish us luck!

Sources:

• · Weissbuth, Marc, MD. HealthySleep Habits, Happy Child. BallatineBooks: 2003.
• · Online sources: http://www.ahaparenting.com/ages-stages/toddlers/helping-your-toddler-learn-to-put-himself-to-sleep
• · http://www.ivillage.com/bedtime-rituals-8-ways-end-bed-battles/6-n-146443#ixzz1ndQF1jJv
• · http://www.ivillage.com/bedtime-rituals-8-ways-end-bed-battles/6-n-146443#ixzz1ndQAVkEP

Sponge Bob Square Pants Study

A study published in September 12^th, 2011 American Journal of Pediatrics is the one of the first to examine the effects of a specific show on children, and the first to suggest how immediate the effects can be. The study draws the conclusion that cartoon Sponge Bob Square Pants negatively impacts children’s attention spans. It’s a theory that can be expanded to other fast paced children’s cartoons.

For the study, 4-year-old children were randomly assigned to three groups. Group 1 watched 9 minutes of Sponge Bob, Group 2 watches nine minutes of the program “Calliou”, and Group 3 spent time drawing (not watching TV). Tests were given immediately after the nine minutes, and were designed to assess children’s executive function. How well they could think ahead, stay on task, and recall information were measured. The children in Group 1 who watched Sponge Bob Square Pants performed at half the capacity compared to the two groups, with the children who didn’t watch TV at all scoring the highest.

Why are they performing at lower capacity? The faced-paced change of scenes (every 17 seconds in Sponge Bob, compared to 34 seconds in Calliou), is suggested to be too much for the brain to process and handle. The brain is left spent of energy, sorting and processing what it just took in.

Dr. Rahil Briggs, a psychologist and director of the Healthy Steps Program at Children’s Hospital at Montefiore in the Bronx commented on the study by saying, “you may be priming the brain to be almost A.D.H.D.-like impulsive.”

The criticism of the study is of its small size of 60 children, white, upper-middle class demographic and that the children were not evaluated prior to the study, the study relied on parent reports. Nickelodeon, the network that produces the show, insists the show is intended for 6-11 year-olds. Though according to Nelson ratings, 39% of the 1.74 million children who have watched the show in the last 8 months, are between the ages of 2-5 years old.

Its seems it's not only how much you watch, but what you watch that has an effect too. Though it's not looking too good for those Baby Einsteins either. See Time Science, 8/6/2007.

Sources:

1. Turgeon, Heather. “Kids and TV Time – How Much Television is Too Much?” Babble.com, August 22^, 2011. Online. Available: http://www.babble.com/toddler/toddler-development/how-much-tv-time-television-kids/
2. Rabin, Roni Caryn. “Is Sponge Bob Square Pants Bad for Children?” The New York Times, September 12, 2011. Online. Available: http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/09/12/is-spongebob-squarepants-bad-for-children/
3. Turgeon, Heather. “Breaking Down the Sponge Bob Study.” Babble.com, September 12, 2011. Online. Available: http://www.babble.com/toddler/toddler-development/spongebob-kids-cartoons-television-how-much/
4. http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/current

Redshirting Your Kindergartener

The practice of delaying a child’s start in Kindergarten to gain advantages in education is known as redshirting, borrowed from the term in athletics. The theory was made popular in the 1980’s, over the last few years with the No Child Left Behind Act, and a question for millions of American families with five and six year old children.

In June 2007, The New York Times magazine published an article suggesting that keeping your 5 year old child at home one more year (until the age of 6) would overall have better effects on education. They’d have one more year to mature socially, have higher test scores, and excel in physical aptitude. Teachers were encouraging of this practice, as more mature children are easier to handle in classrooms, and administrators welcomed this practice, because they are more accountable for testing and performance.

New York Times published an opinion page September 24, 2011 titled “Delay Kindergarten at Your Child’s Peril” which can be summarized in these 5 excerpts.

1. “The first six years of life are a time of tremendous growth and change in the developing brain. Synapses, the connections between brain cells, are undergoing major reorganization. A 4-year-old’s brain uses more energy than it ever will again. Brain development cannot be put on pause.”

2. “In high school, redshirted children are less motivated and perform less well. By adulthood, they are no better off in wages or educational attainment — in fact, their lifetime earnings are reduced by one year.”

3. “The benefits of interacting with older children may extend to empathetic abilities. Empathy requires the ability to reason about the beliefs of others. This capacity relies on brain maturation, but it is also influenced by interactions with other children.”

4. “Redshirted children begin school with others who are a little further behind them. Because learning is social, the real winners in that situation are their classmates.”

5. “In other words, school makes children smarter.”

Sources:

• 1. Weil, Elizabeth. "When should a child start Kindergarten." The New York Times, June 3, 2007. Online. Available: http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9902E2DC1430F930A35755C0A9619C8B63&sec=&spon=&pagewanted=1

• Wang, Sam and Aamodt, Sandra. "Delay Kindergarten at Your Child’s Peril." The New York Times Magazine, September 24, 2011. Online. Available: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/25/opinion/sunday/dont-delay-your-kindergartners-start.html?src=me&ref=general