As an only child and with my second child on the way, I had to ask the question – will I really be able to love another baby as much as I love my first born daughter, Molly? Everyone tells me the question is silly and that of course, I will! But I’ve done my research and favoritism amongst siblings is real and exists in parenting. And there’s science to back it up.
According to a professor of human and community development at the University of California at Davis in a study done with 384 siblings and their parents, 65% of mothers and 70% of fathers have a preference for one child. And that’s usually the older one. During the course of the study, researchers visited the families three times a year for three years and observed their relationships, videotaped them as they worked through conflicts, and interviewed them extensively.
Karl Pillemer is a professor and director at The Cornell University Institute for Translational Research on Aging (CITRA) and is currently conducting a seven year study with 550 mothers over the age of 65 and their adult children. His ongoing analysis focuses on parental favoritism, differential helping to and by offspring. "I'm doing interviews with hundreds of people,” said Pillemer. “And one of the most emotional things for them after 70 or 80 years is memories of parental favoritism.”
How could this be? There are a few reasons why psychologists, sociologists and other experts believe that sibling favoritism exists.
- Survival of the fittest. We are genetically driven to want our offspring to succeed and carry on our seed. Therefore the strongest, fittest, and smartest of the offspring is often “favored” more because it will more likely succeed in carrying on the parent’s legacy
- Best looking. Though parents will not openly one child is better looking than another, long standing bodies of work point to humans’ deeply wired bias for beauty. Beauty is often defined by facial symmetry, clear complexion, and larger eyes. Sibling expert Catherine Salmon of the University of Redlands in California calls it “the general heuristic that things are attractive and healthy and good and smart.
- Your gender matters. There seems to be a pattern with cross-gendering. A Dad is helpless in the face of his daughter’s charms, a mother admires her prince of a son. Parents seem to value the trait in the opposite gender that is paradoxically associated with their own sex. For example, the athletic father admires and favorites his soccer playing daughter.
- Birth order.
a. Why first borns are the favorite: First born children are often the favorite simply because parents have made more effort in developing that child. It’s a principal in business called sunk costs – the more effort you’ve made into developing a product, the more committed you are to seeing it come to fruition. By the time the second child comes around, you’ve already committed 10 months to many years with your first born. You build up equity in your first borns that cannot be matched with subsequent children.
b. Why last borns are the favorite: There’s a theory that exists that the last born children are protected more so than other children, particularly by their mothers. In some instances, they are over protective perhaps because they weren’t planned for or the father (or mother) didn’t “want” them. Last born children develop defensive skills – the ability to “disarm and charm.” It’s what sibling psychologists call the low-power strategy.
c. Three kid families, the only gender: This can be the case in families that have three children that the outnumbered gender is the favorite. For instance in families with two girls and one boy, the boy becomes the favorite simply because he is different. That child gets extra attention and investment.
Least Favored Status
Psychologist Victoria Bedford of the University of Indianapolis has studied favoritism extensively. For years, she’s been looking at the impact on children’s self-esteem, their community involvement and their relationships with family and friends. The impact studied is known as the LFS – or Least Favored Status. A research professor in developmental psychology at the University of Denver studied 136 sibling pairs two times a year for two year intervals. Findings of both researchers are that the LFS child is more likely to develop anxiety, low self-esteem and depression. Behavior problems ensue as well, which becomes a downward spiral because parents tend to crack down on them, further diminishing their position on the totem pole. It’s real and it’s hurtful.
Fluid Favoritism
There’s a wide audience of people – experts and parents alike - that will tell you that there’s no such thing as a long term favorite but it’s more like fluid favoritism. The favorite child changes hourly or daily, monthly or yearly. Adults based on their own mood swings, interests and hobbies will find connections to one child and one time and another child at another time. Some adults prefer different stages of children’s adolescence – the mother who prefers the baby and toddler phase because she feels needed and important, or the father that prefers the kindergarten years because he can play easier and relate more to his child. In this case of fluid favoritism, each child gets a turn at being the favorite as they pass through the stage preferred by their parents. But it’s still favoritism.
What can be done?
- Be aware of your preference but never admit it to anyone.
- Make equal time for both (or all children) individually. Plan special outings and events with each separately whenever possible
- Careful not to make observations that favor the “favorite” child in comparison to least favorite. “Molly always does her homework on time, why can’t you?”
- Make a concerted effort to think of positive characteristics that your least favorite child possesses and compliment him or her for those attributes
In all of my research, not one article suggested that it’s not possible to love more than one child. I have no doubt that I will love a second child very much. In fact, of course I already do love this 2 lb. meatloaf in my belly! Perhaps now with more understanding of favoritism, I will be better equipped to make sure that 2.0 doesn’t get the shaft and no one in my family is least favored status. If you have multiple children and disagree or agree with any of this research, I hope to hear your thoughts.
Sources:
1. Time Magazine: The Science of Favoritism: http://www.time.com/time/covers/0,16641,20111003,00.html
3. NY Times: When parents parent differently - http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/12/06/when-siblings-parent-differently/
4. Cornell University: http://www.human.cornell.edu/bio.cfm?netid=kap6
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