Bringing Up Bebe

Bringing Up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman examines the way the French bring up their children. It's a way that's starkly different than the way many Americans do.  This enlightening book made me think about time for myself, breast feeding, scheduling activities for my kids, sex, and the power of simply saying "NO."   Don't have time to read the book?  Here are my Cliff Notes.



When you take your kids to the playground, do you sit on the bench, read a book or quietly observe your child?  Or do you jump right into the playground, showing your child - "Hey look, here's the slide! Cool, here's the swing.  Molly! Look at the swing!"  

Most French parents sit back and let their children explore by themselves.  It's a process of self discovery, autonomy and also a balance of adulthood for the parent.  They're involved in the child's activity but they aren't narrating their experience.    They're also entitled to read an adult book - an activity for themselves.

French parents are not at constant service to their children.  They have adult lives especially after bedtime with their husbands and friends.  They have dinner parties where children play (with no mention of TV or a movie) while they have conversations uninterrupted.   At dinner parties with adults and family children are not on-stage performing their "tricks" nor are they the subject of all conversation.   They aren't the "enfant roi"  or child king.  Politics, religion, current events, pop culture and adult topics are covered, their children are not the only subjects discussed.  

They aren't ignored either, don't mistake that.  The days of children being "seen and not heard" are gone in France, mostly changed by Dolto in the 1960's.  French believe a child can understand a feel things from a very early age.  They believe that even infants are rational human beings that you can talk to like adult human beings.  It's this respect for their being that French parents observe, and the reason why many French children are very well behaved.

French children eat sauteed leaks, fish soup, a variety of fruits and vegetables and lots of cheeses.  There aren't "kids" menus in France.  Children don't live off a diet of chicken nuggets, PPJ and mac & cheese because parents see it as their job to educate children from an early age on a variety of foods.    Many French children are required to eat a bite of everything on their plate before leaving the table.   Mom's don't make a second meal because kid doesn't like it.

French children do not snack all day.  They have ONE snack (gouter) at 4:30 pm daily, many times it is something sweet like cake or chocolate. Because they have just one snack a day, they are truly hungry at meals and because they have snacks that indulge in chocolate, they aren't such a coveted treat and kids aren't gorging later.

French couples don't have "date night."  In fact, the author says that French mother's find this American trend very sad and perplexing.   Every night should be "date night" with your husband and calling it "date night" just sounds like you are scheduling romance.   Many French parents go "en vacances" with their husband once or twice a year, leaving their children with grandparents or camp (as young as 6)  for a week or two weeks.  

French women are supposed to be sexy.  As a general stereotype, women don't gain much weight during pregnancy, French magazines have articles teaching women to resist cravings.  As a result of not gaining much weight, they typically regain their figure after 3 months.  There's no living in sweat pants and maternity clothes 9 or 12 months later.   Insurance actually pays for -- get this -- vaginal rejuvenation.   Need I explain more?  Insurance pays medical professionals to make the vagina tighter.  Doctors ask such questions - "is your husband happy?"

French mother's go back to work at 3 months and very few are devoted housewives and stay home moms. Their children go to "creches" -or government run and subsided day cares that have absolutely no stigma like day cares do in the United States.  Jobs at creches are highly sought after and are won by very accomplished educators and they're highly trained.  People fight to get their kids into a local creche.   The 4 course menu for babies at lunch rivals gourmet restaurants - part of why children are also so educated about food at an early age.

French mother's breast feed a lot less than American parents. The length of time that they breast feed is not a measure of performance unlike it often is in the United States where mother's ask - "how long did you make it?"  French doctors suggest switching to formula with a blocked dock or cracked nipple.  You don't get brownie points for sticking it out and many French mother's just find it inconvenient and requiring such effort, they don't do it at all.   Only 63 percent of French mother's breast feed, half breast feed by leaving the hospital, and most abandon after 3 months.   Yet, French children thrive and on a Unicef scale measuring infant mortality rates, immunization and health. the French outperform Americans.

Feeding times are called meals - not feeds- and most babies after 4 months are eating just 4 times a day.  A breakfast, lunch, 4 pm gouter (snack) and dinner.   French mothers do not generally feed between the hours of 12-5 am even early on.

French parents don't seem to discipline their children much - they rarely spank or use timeout. Their "discipline" is "educating" their children at all times.  They do delay gratification, don't give into their children immediately and aren't afraid to just say no.  

Speaking of delayed gratification, this may be why many French children sleep through the night at 3 months old.  It's something the author coined as The Pause.   Early on, many French mother's wait to respond to their baby's cry in the middle of the night.  Early on (before 4 months), they wait up to 5 minutes to see if they child is truly awake or just going through part of their sleep cycle.  As a result, many babies learn to put themselves back to sleep.   Most French babies are sleeping through the night at 3 months old. It's rare to see a baby not sleep through the night at 6 months, and even more rare at 1 year.   French mother's observe their babies natural rhythms, letting them sleep when they're tired and keeping them in the light during the day for naps and in dark at night.

Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget came to the US in the 1960's and shared his theories on child development. After each talk, someone in the audience typically asked - how do we speed this up?  He called it "The American Question."   He didn't think pushing kids to acquire skills ahead of schedule was possible or desirable.

The author writes: "Americans assign ourselves the job of pushing, stimulating and carrying ourselves from one developmental stage to the next.   The better at parenting, we think, the faster our kids develop.  French parents aren't so anxious to get them in swim classes, get them reading, or do math ahead of schedule.  They do sign their kids up for tennis, fencing, and English lessons but they don't parade these activities as proof of what good parents they are.  Nor are they guarded when talking about the classes, like they're some secret.  In France, the point of enrolling a child in Saturday morning-music class isn't to activate some neural network, it's to have fun."  They're not sitting at the park doing flash cards with their baby.  They're letting their baby be a baby.

At three years old, they're not shuttling their kids (a maman taxi) to ballet, gymnastics, music, tennis and soccer.  That would be out of balance for the mom and not good for the child's natural development.

French children are provided a framework (cadre) to live in where parents are strict and firm but within their limits are very free.  Once their in a safe environment and structured, they are very free to do what they want and discover themselves.  It's a process called "awakening."

The author glorified French parenting in my opinion and I am sure there are many exceptions to the rule.  Certainly there must be an overweight French woman sitting in her maternity clothes 10 months later, scheduling their baby in the latest music class while secretly coveting the instructors phone number, doing flash cards, not showering and not having sex with her husband.   But many of the ideas even if exaggerated or over generalized, are interesting and ones I could adapt.  Mostly all but the breastfeeding one.  And that rejuevenation!